Gems of the Genre: June 2012

Oh. Hey guys.

Before you say anything, I know. It’s been FOREVER. But, though my taste in books would indicate that I am a fourteen-year-old in the throes of middle school, I am in fact in my twenties, and just finished my junior year of college. And, my being a junior in college, and an English major, meant that I had to set aside my wonderful young adult novels to pursue decidedly more “academic” and “age-appropriate” literature.

I read Ulysses.

The cover is ugly as sin, but the innards are BEAUTIFUL.

So, needless to say, I loved Joyce’s famous reimagining of the Odyssey, but this is not the place, and I am most certainly not the scholar to give it a just and thorough review. So instead, I’ll review a decidedly less prestigious reimagining of Greek myth.

Percy motha-effin’ Jackson.

It’s not the greatest novel of the twentieth century, but it is a novel!

Frankly, this series is pretty awesome. The basic premise is that P. Jacks’ mom has the greatest hookup ever and finds her uterus full of the SON OF POSEIDEN, GOD OF THE SEA. That’s right. The hero of this young adult novel isn’t your average orphan, boy-wizard, or vampire-werewolf-mermaid-griffin. He’s a DEMI-GOD.

Basically, the entire series is Percy navigating through pretty much every Greek myth out there, in his attempts to create harmony between the world of humans and the world of the Olympians. The plot concept is really freakin’ cool. The execution is really freakin' juvenile.

Now, I often get flack for reading books that are very ill suited for my age. For the most part, the flack doesn’t bother me. I can handle it. In fact, I welcome it. Flack. Part of a healthy, balanced breakfast. Not to be confused with “flak,” the antiaircraft weaponry.

Not this.

But with this book, I started to feel ashamed. I think it really hit me when I was substitute teaching for a third grade class, and several of the spry little eight-year-olds referred to the series as “childish.” I made sure to never let them find out that I had good old Perce tucked in my backpack at that very moment. It’s one thing to be judged by eight-year-olds. It is quite another to know that their judgment is not entirely unfounded.

The thing is, Percy Jackson is an unassuming twelve-year-old with twelve-year-old problems and a twelve-year-old sense of humor. The chapters of this book have such darling titles as “I Accidentally Vaporize My Pre-algebra Teacher,” “Grover Unexpectedly Loses His Pants,” and “I Battle my Jerk Relative.”

I also really like to think that when I was twelve, I was not as idiotic as this spawn of Posieden. Percy is literally attacked by a flying she-beast from Hades, his best friend reveals to him that he is half-goat, his mother is carried off by a minatoar, but when a centaur tries to suggest to him that the gods of Ancient Greece are real, Percy simply won’t have it. “’But they’re stories,’ I said. “They’re – myths, to explain lightning and the seasons and stuff. They’re what people believed before there was science.’” Pages 67-68

PERCY. USE YOUR HEAD.

The movie is also super bad. Not like the awesome movie, Superbad, but actually just really shitty. For one thing, Percy looks a hell of a lot older than twelve, which really makes his dumbassness all the more embarrassing. But, on the upside, it has Sean Bean playing Zeus. Obvi. Anytime you need anyone slightly regal in anything, Sean Bean is your man. Boromir, Odysseus, Ned Stark, that pedophile in Red Riding, Sean Bean’s found his niche.

The upcoming sequel, set to come out on the Ides of March, 2013, is starring much of the same people, who are now wayyyy too old to be taken for thirteen year olds. Sean Bean will not be returning for this one, but his presence as a chronic typecast will not be missed, because the part of the Cyclops will be played by this guy:

His name is Derek Mears, and he is a 40-year-old actor who specializes in the portrayal of beef-heads, muscular serial killers, and terrifying aliens alike. His most notable accomplishments include “Thug #2” in Andy Barker, P.I., “Jones Thug #2” in Mr. and Mrs. Smith, “Thug #4” in My Name is Earl, and “Classic Predator” in Predators.

The face of success.

So, overall, I do recommend this series, but I recommend it for true tweens. In the flesh as well as the mind. It’s an excellent tool for teachers who want to get their kids excited about Greek myths. I actually learned a lot from reading it. Like, enough to be able to dominate in some of my college classes. No joke.